Medical thoughts before surgery tomorrow

So, my anxiety is unhappy with the fact that I’m having surgery tomorrow afternoon. Surprise on that.

Sleep is insane. I don’t like the idea of dreaming, unable to move, while being conscious. I never noticed how disturbing a fact that really is until wyllo mentioned it. I’ve been trying to keep an eye on a few things since we spoke, and to make additional sense of the fact that I was told the “non-epileptic” seizures I’ve been having are limbic. Originally, that was to support a dx of BPD and it’s biological cause. However, given the psych drugs I’m on, it would also support narcolepsy/cataplexy in partial treatment by accident…because no one can explain why the Risperdal I’m on helps me. *sighs* I’m due for a sleep study anyway. It definitely, as usual, makes me wonder about my mother. It might be worth trying to have that conversation while I’m there for the next few days. I know she’s had sleep issues for as long as I can remember; it makes me wonder if she presents similar symptoms. Of course, in her case, it might be apnea….

Trying to arrange a “dying man’s last request” of dinner at Joe’s Crab Shack with Shane. Considering I’m going to have to live on a lot of blended food, liquids, and soup for a few days… I want a last meal I’m going to enjoy, damn it. I haven’t had Joe’s in a long time, and it sounded like a good idea.

I’ve been told that to call it a “dying man’s last request” is over-exaggerating… but it’s a request I make before every surgery or general anesthetic I deal with. I have this tendancy to quit breathing on the table, and to wake up with a live O₂ supply in my nose. While I warn the surgeons of this now, it still makes for an amusing, albeit morbid, joke for me to make. I know the surgery isn’t that bad… but it’s funny to me, damn it. *pouts, then smiles and runs away*

All told, I should be at my parents’ from either tonite or tomorrow afternoon until either Tuesday evening or Wednesday. Bringing things to keep me company (video games, mostly God of War; some craft stuff maybe; probably a few good books). They have satellite television and Toby, and those two things almost always make for comfort. I miss my Toby. It’s why I wish we could have dogs in the complex. I would get one. Instead, I’m reopening the debate on smaller pets once more.

Things to discuss/acquire from parents:
* The sleep symptom thing
* Extra pliers (if available) ~ offset slip joint (nut/bolt)
* Digital camera (loan) & photos of work parents have
* Fabric and sewing stuffs (if available) ~ inc. machine
* Additional craft materials (if available)

~Samantha

Medical thoughts before surgery tomorrow

So, my anxiety is unhappy with the fact that I’m having surgery tomorrow afternoon. Surprise on that.

Sleep is insane. I don’t like the idea of dreaming, unable to move, while being conscious. I never noticed how disturbing a fact that really is until wyllo mentioned it. I’ve been trying to keep an eye on a few things since we spoke, and to make additional sense of the fact that I was told the “non-epileptic” seizures I’ve been having are limbic. Originally, that was to support a dx of BPD and it’s biological cause. However, given the psych drugs I’m on, it would also support narcolepsy/cataplexy in partial treatment by accident…because no one can explain why the Risperdal I’m on helps me. *sighs* I’m due for a sleep study anyway. It definitely, as usual, makes me wonder about my mother. It might be worth trying to have that conversation while I’m there for the next few days. I know she’s had sleep issues for as long as I can remember; it makes me wonder if she presents similar symptoms. Of course, in her case, it might be apnea….

Trying to arrange a “dying man’s last request” of dinner at Joe’s Crab Shack with Shane. Considering I’m going to have to live on a lot of blended food, liquids, and soup for a few days… I want a last meal I’m going to enjoy, damn it. I haven’t had Joe’s in a long time, and it sounded like a good idea.

I’ve been told that to call it a “dying man’s last request” is over-exaggerating… but it’s a request I make before every surgery or general anesthetic I deal with. I have this tendancy to quit breathing on the table, and to wake up with a live O₂ supply in my nose. While I warn the surgeons of this now, it still makes for an amusing, albeit morbid, joke for me to make. I know the surgery isn’t that bad… but it’s funny to me, damn it. *pouts, then smiles and runs away*

All told, I should be at my parents’ from either tonite or tomorrow afternoon until either Tuesday evening or Wednesday. Bringing things to keep me company (video games, mostly God of War; some craft stuff maybe; probably a few good books). They have satellite television and Toby, and those two things almost always make for comfort. I miss my Toby. It’s why I wish we could have dogs in the complex. I would get one. Instead, I’m reopening the debate on smaller pets once more.

Things to discuss/acquire from parents:
* The sleep symptom thing
* Extra pliers (if available) ~ offset slip joint (nut/bolt)
* Digital camera (loan) & photos of work parents have
* Fabric and sewing stuffs (if available) ~ inc. machine
* Additional craft materials (if available)

~Samantha

Another fabulous girls nite out

Spent most of the late day with _call_girl_, which is always good times. Of course, we had zero Master Plan, but that isn’t a pre-requisite.

Dinner, fabric shopping so I can have me a new dress (yes, I am excited about having a new dress). Ran around MOA for a while, acquired some ridiculously comfortable new boots and a Music = Life pin, the proceeds of which are used to support youth music and arts programs. Double rock on that.

We got make-up done courtesy of Bare Essentials, whose stuff I absolutely love. That’s right, kids… I wore make-up two nites this week just to be out and about. And I like it. Go foxy me.

Odd, I never considered myself all that attractive until people starting tell me so a while back. Now, I’ve kind of incorporated it into who I can be when I so choose. It’s a non-ego thing for me… but it’s still nice to hear it.

Dropped by to keep scoundrelle company while she got her work done for an install tomorrow morning. I like her. She’s cute. And from all accounts (including my own) a total sweetheart. Yay for friends of my friends once again.

This is yet another nite this week that I’ve gone out and been social and enjoyed the hell out of myself and those around me. I get almost giddy when that happens, and it’s nice to see the semi-surprised look on the faces of my friends when they realize I’m actually happy. I’m not entirely certain what it is about right now that is creating life this way for me, but I never fail to give thanks to the Powers that Be for the friendships, the opportunity, and the health to enjoy it all.

~Samantha

New Crack Alert!

I find the most random things sometimes.

While looking through rockykitten‘s DeviantArt page, I found an icon she’d made from a base she ganked from ventrueicons. Wandered there, and eventually to the maintainer’s journal, ventruechick. What did I find there, amidst ramblings about some girl I don’t know?

Psychiatric Clinic for Abused Cuddly Toys
(aka The Asylum)

To quote ventruechick‘s synopsis:

The object of the game is to cure four little abused stuffed animals. There’s Lilo the autistic hippo, Sly the dellusional snake, Kroko the paranoid-psychotic crocodile, and Dolly the multiple-personality sheep. As you investigate, you’ll learn more about their crazy back-stories and how they got to the Clinic. Trust me, you HAVE to play this!!

It’s terribly addictive, quite twisted… and for those of you who know me… very apropos.

You mean to tell me that every thing they did to me in the hospital I can now inflict onto cute toys and no one gets hurt? And it’s a game with a goal?

Yes. Yes I can. And it is. How… therapeutic.

And, as an added bonus… you can actually purchase the patients, whether ya “fixed” ’em or not!

~Samantha

An evening of billiards…

Pool nite with miriamnee, jenglel, & motastic this evening was one of those adventures that I used to never think would be fun, but always was once I got there. Much fun times, and I’ll definitely be doing that more often. Considering the pool hall not only allows smoking, but doesn’t charge women on Wednesdays… even better. I got kind of jazzed for the occassion (how I used to dress all the time before the breakdown), and it was awesome to have that be noticed and commented on, as well.

I’ve learned to go out and have fun with the friends of my friends, because hell… if I like my friend, and my friend likes their friends… *soft laugh* Yes, my children, I did actually TA a symbolic logic class in college. Implications, while occassionally misinterpreted in language, tend to work in situations like that. The benefit of meeting those known by those you know is that someone has already made the ‘quality friend’ call for me. To be honest, it saves me a lot of time and energy that I don’t always have.

All in all, life has taken this swing that is good for me, and today was definitely another extension of that. I deserve to have life let me live for a while; to do so and be smiling this much is an amazing improvement from the stress and pain that reality has been the last … while. I actually get to use the ‘happy’ icon for the mood tonite, and that is a blessed thing.

I think I shall spend a few hours tonite designing in some fashion, and then read myself to sleep.

~Samantha

One step at a time

My desire to craft/create has re-emerged full force. This is most fabulous. I fully plan on making a few minor adjustments to the Estrogen Lounge in order to help support that desire.

I definitely feel as though I’m entering another period of enlightenment, another interval in which I learn more about who I am and how to properly express that. I have to say, I’m excited.

Having the oral surgery Monday. Will probably stay at my parents for a couple of days, since the surgeon’s office is five miles from there. Lots of SVU, HGTV, and GSN (they have satellite… yay!). My mother called and asked if I wanted her to take Tuesday off to stay home with me. Not a prayer. I’m not going to want to talk to anyone (presuming I can talk at all), and while I appreciate the gesture of assistance… if I want it, I’ll get it myself, thanks. I’m pretty sure I’ll just want to be left alone.

Got the rhuematology results, and all the bloodwork (ANA/ENA) is negative. Now it’s time to look into even more “obscure” possibilities, as well as set up the sleep study. Still trying to find the answer there.

For the most part, spending less time online and more time out living. This is good. It’s also indicative of the upswing of a lot of things, not the least of them some self-discovery.

Plans and finances for a new tattoo. Now I just need to finish the design and decide on an artist. Might, depending on a few things, either get a second piece of ink, or a piece or two of steel to go with it. Quite excited about all of that. (If anyone out there does kanji translations, I would love to know about it, as it will likely cut a long time out of my R&D on this one. Failing that, I might look into a second symbol for the center of the piece. We’ll see.)

It came about as a gift from a dear old friend, as did quite a bit of chain maille. Most generous of her, and I will definitely be sending photographs of the completed work as part of my thank you for such generosity. Had a fabulous time with her and her family out at Ren Fest on Saturday, even though I managed to get sidetracked no less than eight times by friends working out there. *smiles*

So, for the moment, things are moving along… no idea where I’m going, but I appear to be getting there, one step at a time. Indeed.

~Samantha

Chop wood, carry water

Three hours of miscommunications, walking, and bus rides… I finally have my pills. Turns out that the pharmacy that the scrip got called into doesn’t carry the medication, and they didn’t think this was relevant until I arrived to pick it up. They call it in to another pharmacy and tell me how to bus there. Turns out that one doesn’t carry it either. Call it over to a third one and give me more directions.

For the most part, I wasn’t that upset about it. Once home was in sight… then I got cranky. But I’ve had my two-minute vent, and for the most part, I appear to be back on a somewhat even keel.

It’s one of the few adventures I’ve been on lately that makes me wish I owned a car.

Of course, if it weren’t for someone else’s stupid car last nite, I wouldn’t be in nearly as much pain. Seriously… if you’re going to glance someone with your SUV because you’re too busy on your cell phone to check if the intersection is clear, at least have the courtesy to stop and see if they’re okay. (For those of you in the audience this evening, I’m sore where it impacted, but it’s not that bad)

Just another day, I suppose…

~Samantha

Protected: Bitterness and its transformation to faith

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“‘Til his finds his soul in the fifty cent bin” (Atmosphere)

There’s nothing quite like going for a walk in the dark to clear your head.

Until you stop dead in your tracks because some random middle-aged man has left his curtains open, making it obvious to anyone glancing at the bright light that he is naked and masturbating in front of his computer.

I stopped long enough to wonder if he was looking at kiddie porn, shuddered, and kept walking.

~Samantha

Weekend plans and old friends

So apparently, when you drug a sick girl, she sleeps for extended periods of time.

The bronchitis thing is still hanging around, and although I thought it was getting better Monday, it’s back to it’s usual state of Refried Death now.

As such, I sleep way more than I want to, and don’t get as much done as I’d like, either. And, to be honest, it’s starting to annoy me that the only way not to be in gods awful pain is to be high like this. It’s killing my motivation to do things with the ideas I have lately. Thankfully, I’ve been writing them all down.

I should call my brother. I feel this odd obligation to call him and let him know certain things. Like the surgery, and the rheumy thing. And while he’ll be here on Saturday (Shane’s holding some game meeting)… I won’t be.

I will be at Fest.

Ordinarily, this wouldn’t be significant. However, I’m going with my friend Shan, whom I haven’t seen in years… whom I’ve known since first grade. I haven’t seen her in years. I haven’t even met her husband, or any of her kids. Since she’s moving to PA in a week… into a half million dollar house… *shakes her head* It’s a lot of backstory over the years, but it blows my mind, because she’s one of those people I honestly never thought would break the cycle, settle down, and life a traditional life.

Crazy.

Hopefully, the weekend after that, I’ll get to spend some time with another old friend at Fest, whom I’ve known for a long time, if only online. We’ve taken half-shots at getting together over the couple of years, but nothing serious. Now, he’ll be just down the road meeting some gaming friends of his from DAoC. No reason not to see him.

The weekend after that, well, who knows. I haven’t decided what I’m doing for my birthday yet.

~Samantha